Full effect of solitude

 I am brave.

Herbs from Henry.

Water for chi. Hot bath. Neil young.

Blanket thick and warm.

___________________________this house

I feel the full effect of the loneliness I felt here.

I never want to come back.

No rocks to protect me, no grandmothers forest.

No plants to grow, no children to nourish here.

The vision I had is gone.

Now it’s just the isolation. 

My heart exploded.

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I fled to grandmothers forest.

I fled to pray for love.

I fled for the resolution I could only strengthen in myself.

I felt kisses every night. If only they were real.

Real. Gay isn’t real.

The cabin I wanted to be real. White with snow in December.

Where I dreamed of brief sentences she spoke.

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Everything was a remedy for the fairyland of isolation here.

Build a garden. Distract from sex. Everything a distraction.

A giant bed appeared in acupuncture swallowing me.

Golden sheets golden pillows.

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