Almost two months after NY

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I wrote this in a long document. 

Now it’s all here in one place. Horror unleashed. The hell and grime.




 May 2024


I leave her. I leave her for making me feel like shit in New York. I cried with diarrhea in every toilet. I braced myself to stop eating because her abuse won’t stop.then she got in a fist fight and I froze.

I kept freezing… “ are you just going to stand there???” Yeah…

I’m always doing something to piss her off.

So then I hide.

She hurts me and she gets mad at me crying and being quiet.

Why aren’t you having a good time?


She picks on everything about me I cant change, my eyesight, my crooked legs.


My professional decisions, my friends, my son, My choice to be financially independent and free. I never thought that was a bad thing…


I’m not productive and busy all the time by choice. I love peace and order and freedom to choose my time.

And?

I am not a loser. I pay all my bills.

I write and flow and care and love and she doesn’t care enough to really know me.

To really talk. So how can she love me enough to justify being so rage full.


So she’s mad. At her own anger fueled stupidity and how much she hates herself. She hates herself so damn much. So how can she really love me?


Angry fuckings not my bag, man.


I came in wanting to fuck her brains out and she didn’t care. Month 4 she started picking me apart, I’d make everything better and she’d pick me apart again until I felt like a speck of sand. My self esteem…Here’s my leg, I won’t eat you out.

As she stood on her tower of “ I’m awesome and Sarah’s not good enough”


I took herbs when she slapped my hand or flinched away when I touched her leg, instant tears.

Acupuncture herbs, acupuncture. Prayers.


After four months I should have known she was all talk and no walk.


Four months is all I really needed.


Love is not her. 



I’m so fucking gay and I’ll fall for more straight girls

Cursed for more heartbreak until at least I’m free. I don’t know. Free to have a functioning nervous system if I have to just eat beans and drink tap water all day.

Free to work in the garden and hold dear friendships.


If I wasn’t this strong I don’t know what I’d be doing now. Tears in the bathtub for 15 hours before I left her.

I called a friend quivering, shaking.

The week before….


She choked me 

Shoved a carrot down my throat and said “ is this how your daddy did it?”


No, I say he just stood in the corner of my room with a boner watching me sleep.


She laughs and laughs

She makes gestures “like this?..”


Yeah…..


“ is that why you’re so gay?” “ you’re so fucking gay hah ha.”


Yeah….. no I’m just gay I don’t know why… I’m over it.


I just say yeah… and what does that make you?


Why is she the worst?


Relentlessly putting me down then never apologizing and just escalating it for days.

She loves me suffering.


Get a box for your stuff. Bye. 

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