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Lavender blues

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  I’ve been fasting. I’ve been taking herbs. I’ve been singing mantra. I read and write and light beeswax candles over crystals. I cry.  Certain people would never treat me so badly. Yet she did. I could just stare and freeze when she got into a fist fight with a homeless woman in the subway and I screamed for cops… The road rage and the constant unsatisfaction that could never be satisfied it was sad. And I tried to relieve and lull and feed. We loved each other I loved her… she started to really scare me. My HVAC system, freezer, dishwasher, and water heater all die on the same day. I remember to speak up when I’m uncomfortable.  I did about her to everyone. Just as I’m sure she’s tried to make me look ugly and stupid… They asked and I said it. I spoke from my throat chakra from the rooftops. I really told the truth. Everyone’s shocked at what a scary person she is.  That’s not on me, all I could do was stare and be afraid. Covering her belongings in salt that Reyn...
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Almost two months after NY

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I wrote this in a long document.  Now it’s all here in one place. Horror unleashed. The hell and grime.   May 2024 I leave her. I leave her for making me feel like shit in New York. I cried with diarrhea in every toilet. I braced myself to stop eating because her abuse won’t stop.then she got in a fist fight and I froze. I kept freezing… “ are you just going to stand there???” Yeah… I’m always doing something to piss her off. So then I hide. She hurts me and she gets mad at me crying and being quiet. Why aren’t you having a good time? She picks on everything about me I cant change, my eyesight, my crooked legs. My professional decisions, my friends, my son, My choice to be financially independent and free. I never thought that was a bad thing… I’m not productive and busy all the time by choice. I love peace and order and freedom to choose my time. And? I am not a loser. I pay all my bills. I write and flow and care and love and she doesn’t care enough to really know me. To re...
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I used to ferment things and I was vegan I had deep thoughts and was quiet

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I remember St. Louis  And starting my family. I remember ray and Chris and the small cafe. I remember being alone in the basement and dreaming, having the space to dream.  I will start a family and care for my body and spirit. I dreamed about friends and trips and being loved and family and there were so many things open to me if …I could stay straight and behave in the eggshells. As a quiet shy person…. As someone who should be quiet and shy… And what if I grew confidence? What if there was more? What if I was afraid to sleep in his bed as more than his best friend but what if I said it? So I said it I stared at the ceiling in tears and I was heard again and again. But oh well another day at work. He went to distract himself with alcohol or the climbing gym. I stayed in the basement watching tv and crying. I want to go home please god let me go home. But where is home? And it’s so so cold. Where are the beautiful women? These thoughts rushed through as I made our house cute. ...
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