Consistency

 Consistency.

How hard this is. To speak.

I’m selling the house and changing my family.

I’m in the Hollywood hills but don’t feel like my mother  “it’s  where you want to be trust me”

Or don’t! You!ll never know what it would be like to have a man take you on a date. But you never know…Levery dog has her day” IF you stop dressing so gay.

By strange coincidence I got a hotel to not be in the way of my girlfriend last week. To be polite. To have respite. A bubble bath.

It was on the hill. The sushi place on the hill my mother said I’d never see.

The folk tales she used to tell me of the sushi restaurant that good quality beautiful girls get taken too. She refused to take me to certain restaurants because I’d get to learn that being a noodle girl is okay. You don’t want to be a noodle girl.

It was such a thing. To see this restarting and realize it’s actually tacky as shit!

So much for the elite straight torture mom wanted from me.

I went to get noodles with my girlfriend and cried after walking out of 

The talking heads movie. A neon sign read pour me over and slurp me up sourounded by pride flags.

Mom is gone and this is my life as a noodle girl, so suck it.Anyway….

I have the money to live where I want. This doesn’t mean life is easy.

I married my best friend to avoid conflict and hatred.life was easy friendship wise, team member wise. There was resentment and pain. there was sweetness. I had a child but there was something very big missing that I needed to not close my eyes on.

I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t go to the bathroom. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I wanted to hide. Hiding was easy. Hiding in bed.

Because I was used to being made fun of. As friends remembered “ you were treated like you were dumb constantly” I floated too long in that soup.

I floated and slept for 17 hrs.

Now.

How to be treated. How to treat. How to love. Love as not a fantastical thing but a practical life giving force that I sought my whole life.it’s not a shiny package. It’s the future of my heart.

Daily life won’t stop and everything else is important. But The most important thing in life to me is having a reliable partner.

The sweetness of bed. Cooking. Peace. As intended. 

I go now into that journey. Simplicity. But also truth.