23-37 the rabbit. Purple. Then and now. Place. Back the world.

 Kava kava tea.

Today aunt sue yelled at my realtor, She should have stayed married to a man I had her doing so well!!!!

I know. I am familiar. It’s another day. I tell the realtor.

Realtor said Sarah deserves to be happy! Aunt sue, welllllllllll maybe if she wasn’t. 

She’s all on her own! 

She’s really had to change her whole life around on its head! Well *eyeroll.

Sue is the kind of person who believes everything she says is correct and true, just. 

—————

What I remember then, being weak. Wandering in my mind to be safe and comfortable.

Searching with no right answer. Other people in charge. Should I get clothes at old navy?

I was lost.

10 thousand villages. 

World market

Crystals and wearing black.

Patchouli.

Nourishing loved ones.

Caring, vegan, zen monks.

Pottery.

I was 23 then now I’m 37.

Aunt sue is the same. What I love. Who I love.

Maybe you should light insense to sleep better. Why are you on the couch?

I am very sick aunt sue. I am sick.

The old location of ten thousand villages. It used to be Alexandria II. Bookarore.

I walked there after mom died to buy the Tibetan book of the dead and a mala.

It’s okay to be a bu Jew Willow said .

The therapist sue hired to persuade me from being who I am. 

She must marry Christopher!!!

And what do you want Sarah?

 I want Rachel to call me back I want Claire but she’s with…men.

And Rebecca and my life. They tossed me out.

I want to be a potter.

I want agency and autonomy and comfort in my body but I cannot have it.

I go to Whole Foods and cry.

Messy disorganized foolish! You don’t want to be YOU trust me! Said aunt sue.

I cried and almost jumped off a building. I took Xanax for 7 days.

Naked. In bed. Alone in the apartment.

The peaceful tree house.

With hardwood floors and a tile kitchen.

You must find your voice Willow said.

Chris takes care of you.

Yes maybe, and I will be special?

I will have a day where everyone I’ve ever known will say nice things about me?

And there will be a family?

A new family? IS THAT TO MARRY. I want to know marriage as a woman to a woman

Do you think? My friend Chris?

He wants more than I can give.

They would love and accept me for who I am.

But who am I?

And how to find this voice so young?

Oh could I just sleep for 5 years?

He’ll go to work at his great job that everyone loves and be proud of me. You’re really doing great sue said you’re even wearing a dress!

It wasn’t worth everyone loving me. It caused so much suffering. No mom to turn too. Suffering. Would I ever heal? Was I stuck forever?

…………aunt sue now, 

After the change I made myself through her maze of disinformation and old school rhetoric.

She is the same and I accept that. Not to hold in my body. But to say yes. It’s another day.

I am comfortable and happy in my body.

I am with Christine and I love her.

I don’t want to live in a town house as she wanted me to at the realtor.

I need a kiln and a home is a better investment. Yes. I am in control.

I am back at the rabbits. Violet and mala beads.

Wise and knowing that who is in this body is me. 

I am me. 

Crystal totem. Bracelet. Love and kisses. Wanted and real. True rest. True comfort.

That is worth more than money.

Home in body and mind. Yes but no. There are still reminders.

Zen mind beginners mind. As it’s not so simple even as life is simple.

Monks work. I work. We all work. The human condition is not one person.

Opening my home to caring for loved ones is also a conscious choice of mine. A decision I did not have before.