Freedom liberation

 This time of year I think about my liberation.

I remember the hard time of breaking away on my own.

What grocery shopping how I want to felt like.

How dressing and doing laundry the way I want to felt like.

How doing the dishes my way felt.

How I blasted the cranberries and drank good black tea. Assam black.

Cleaning and opening my energy for new not knowing when the new brightness I wanted would find me. Wearing overalls stuffed with garnet from Barbara.

The stone for hopelessness.

Crying and collapsing at Whole Foods. Convinced I’d ruined rats whole life.

My ray my sweet ray. Working on his bedroom an iep. Autism diagnosis.

Doctors. I take charge. I’m not passive.

I meet Mary who moves in that February after her birthday. I’m advocating for ray at his schools office.

April I move to Prescott Arizona. Doing nothing but wandering the forests. Yoga and eating pot butter.

I’m gay and need to fucking face it. I spent a month and a half in the forest.

I come back and spend the summer pining for love. I’d never had it before only glimpses.

Having dreams. Kim deal and mermaids.

Sarah mcglachlans fingers…

I meet the pixies. I see the pixies twice. Friends. 

Daniel, Mary, Henry my acupuncturist. 

It was not an option to live as I wanted before this.

The women sat, in Chris’s family. It was normal that we got bored, picked up knitting. 

What do you guys do? Cook? Yeah? Oh, I’m so unfulfilled. I’m so gay I cried in the bathroom and tried to

Cope with health food. Green juice.

Did no one care? Why do I have a brain!

I am a potter I’d say! Oh right….that’s cute.

Please god help me. I prayed to the forest.

Nov. 4th 2021.

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Nov 4th 2022.

Deep in the Topanga scene people’s houses and parties and drums Kirtan cults and a witches coven.

It wasn’t gay. Why was it not gay?!?  Witches sing in the forest bra less in white linen dresses. We twirled around high on cacao.

Oh I’m in a cult! Oooops. By grace of god I meet Christine.

She’s been in my dreams for months before meeting her. Why? How? I accept it.  I say nothing. Because That meditation and cacao they have in Topanga. It’s real.

I make her mugs.

We bathe. Beautiful. Peace in my heart.

Rays life improves drastically. He’s loved and well. Thriving. I am happier.

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Nov. 4th. 2024.

I join a synagogue for the first time since college.

I am contacted to read Torah! What a mitzvah….. religious freedom.

I’m certainly not knitting in the corner only thinking of boredom is a virtue.

Bored valley lonely bored.

I’ve sold the house to buy a cute bungalow with nice Jewish neighbors in Pasadena.

Christine and Ray are by my side. Nothing is passive or meek.

Nothing is passive in the way praying in Topanga was like wishing.

Actively making the life I want. With who I want. 

It’s not shut down, it’s not disbelieved as impractical.

Chris’s family and sue will be them. I am me. This is me.

I’m not hiding.

Longing for black assam tea as I had on the day 1 of my liberation. 

This is year 3 already. 

Proud. 

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