Joe

 I was showing off beans. Look at my beans. Look. It’s as if to say, look I fit in this family. Look. I belong I can make myself belong. I can grow beans. I was always…

Showing off beans. 

I moved from one dad to another.

I wanted to belong but never had that feeling.

I’d seen other girls have it. Could I make it?

Could I figure it out? It was a quiet game. Repression and quiet stoicism.

A silence. 

Now I’m gone. I left. 

Im in 

Pasadena with my life choices. They are so mad.

But it’s the same quiet game, although I’m happier and they’re still stoic.

Quiet.

Shameful. And I don’t know why and I don’t want to know.

Let me be now.

My father is dead. His replacement was a criminal. My search after that yielded a wanting.

An emptiness. A guessing game.

Attention getting behavior, was my only sin. I feel that as guilt now.

When I spoke to deaf ears. When I revealed my spirit and it was … it just was.

And I was so tired, I was so ill. 

If I’m vegan if I’m straight if I lose weight if I….. am not Jewish.

I remember feeling like a horse with a carrot in front of her nose. I…

There was no I in them.

There is Ray in them. My compassion lays with ray. 

In the life I brought.

Even as they choose to  live in death. In getting older and hiding in their silence. Through

Struggle quietly. 

I’m sorry. So sorry.

Regret. 

My hope as a youthful girl. Only wanting care.

Joe. On. Bone cancer. To help Ray. I will.