Pettiness of Christmas or was I right? Calendar memory.2. A.

 Maybe I didn’t do enough to earn my stocking.

It was something I deeply wanted as part of a family so young. When the moment came I felt devastated.

My first Christmas was a complete unknown. I’d never been to a Christmas before.

It was disrespectful but I couldn’t see it.

A puzzle that looked like a Jewish person, a chain would move to show nose shape.

His parents “ we just picked up some random cheap crap from the drug store for you! We didn’t think about it or care until today.” 

I was so appreciative to be included…… I was taught to always be polite.

“ be a lady, and smile”

I’m in a family. Wow. I always wanted a midwestern boring family!!!

“ we gave you Jo’s ex girlfriends stocking and I used some old newspaper twine in red for you. It’s basically trash, nothing special.”

Oh, okay

Oh, thanks… the letters were small and misshapen.

Did this mean I’d get an upgrade?

Did this mean Chris would say something to get me a nicer one? All this was in my head.

I must not be respected here. I felt so much pain. 

They’d have family dinners where I’d have to bring my own food and eat from a grocery bag on the floor next to my chair.

Would you like some chocolate pie?

Looks at everyone accept me. I don’t get any, then I feel rude if I asked.

Am I allowed to speak? No.

When I decided to have a son it was worse.

5 years later I still had that stocking. 

Kim Jo’s new girlfriend came along.

Handmade plush forest green velvet and silk. In her name big letters in beautiful fancy sequins. KIM.

She has red hair and is Christian.

My mind went there. It still goes there. Every time around the season.

How I had to have a poker face to hide my need to feel wanted and special when I obviously was treated like I wasn’t.

I had excuses why, my self esteem, my ego it was gone.

I bought books on zen. Nothing is what I want. It’s okay.

Was I ever worth something special? No.

So how would I start now?

As this time in my life is different I see the stark contrast of what it’s like to be treated well and to feel happy.

A part of my soul is still there. It’s like a pair of tight pants getting looser.

I’m reminded of the time it takes to birth a baby.

To get a degree. To actuality ideas. To take action.

How life takes time. 

My confidence must rise quickly and fast in order to change my life and appropriately feel the joy.now after the years of suffering.

I am grateful. Weight loss takes time. 

Birth takes time.