How to speak. The last time in Pasadena. And now.

Willow the therapist aunt sue hired after mom died.

And now.

The world seemed so impossible then.I was really freaked out after she died. What 

I knew of safety was my apartment.

It held me like a friend. The windows the trees the sky the place. 

I had friends and a school to go to. Professors and I’d just started my career in ceramics.

I told Carmen, intaglio professor. My mom died I have to move to Illinois.

I remember this moment, he gave me an Ellsworth Kelly print.

Then back to the apartment. 

Back to seing willow, back to seiing aunt sue.

I found moms Xanax. I stopped wearing clothes or eating. 

The therapist would say find your voice.

Get back in your body.

Meditate.

Why don’t you want to sleep with your boyfriend? 

Find your voice. 

It felt SO SO strange to know someone cared about me. 

It was scary and unheard of to me. 

You need to drive and leave your apartment.

It had so much pressure on it.

I only felt safe at the apartment. 

I was facing cleaning moms closet and storage unit and Chris and aunt sue wanted me to get married.

Do you want to get married? No.

I was sitting on the couch I’d so looked forward to buying with Christ since I was in high school 4 years prior.

Someday I’ll live with Chris and everything will be so great! We can get a fun couch together and a huge record collection and I’ll get moving help from his family just like when Jo moves and I help Jo! 

It was an eggplant purple couch from IKEA the seconds part of the store where returns go for 300 dollars.

I’d never had a couch before, this was exciting.

Eh, not bad for 300 Chris said. 

He hooked up the tv so we got free digital antennae, before then tvs came with an antennae that would work? Idk. I watched I love Lucy everyday in my bed before going to school.

Chris moved in the week of the summer Olympics. It was after my mom died.

He made a tv room, before I sat or slept on the floor in front of my bed on black and white pillows mom gave me from IKEA.

Everything was about ceramics and school so I didn’t have much of anything.

A green fleece blanket from mom. She bought be a bed.

I filled one side with junk and books and had a reading pillow for ceramics research papers.

Wow, coupled life seems so official, just like on tv I thought.

Or in movies. 

I had mountains of junk mail under the bed.

Bed bath and beyond coupons etc. Chris was pissed and threw it all out.

He fed me, brought me cucumber salads and did the dishes.

I felt so, grown up? Normal? Is this what being normal feels like?

I am safe? 

Willow was there to ask about me. I feel like I’m on a trolley car going the wrong direction up a hill and I have to stay in my body through it.

I can be comfortable?

Everything reminds me of mom.

Maybe I should move to Illinois, why not. Change of scenery, everyone’s telling me to get out of the apartment anyway.

Major life decision and I had no voice….. scary.

I would tag along in the car with Chris to IKEA blasting Frank black albums.

I missed mom. I had no self esteem. Chris seems like a miracle. Aunt Sue “he’s your Angel. Have a kid or two. Maybe that’s your purpose in life.

She was trying to send me to NY a special college for kids with dyslexia. Do they have a ceramics department? That’s my purpose in life, I still can’t pass the math classes. 

…………………………………………….NOW……………………………….

I’m 37 back to Pasadena with my voice. It took time to get it back or grow my own from scratch. I have a life outside of the house and in it building what I feel is right for me.

An electrical is putting in my kiln! It’s an electric geil! 

The house is being set up by me, even though I still don’t know about decorating.

It’s functional as possible and there’s organization. 

I know why sleeping with a partner is great now. I’m at peace with who I am. 

I came out of the closet. Fot the third time but hopefully it stuck.

I’m not doing cartwheels for love or acceptance. It’s there or it’s not.

A collector just bought pieces I made in Pasadena and even before then at moorpark college. 2006! He’s coming back for more work in February. 

I am happy and grounded for the first time in my life.

I am still finding my voice. Standing up for myself. Having a bigger self esteem. 

Working in therapy now to direct myself in the life I want. I know this is better for everyone when I am happier. Including Ray. 

Peace is my goal. I am a potter. 

I live in a historic neighborhood community where everyone is nice and they know me.

I am Sarah I am a potter I am gay. 

I spent a very long time putting my feet on the ground.

I got side tracked but I’m back in the right time and place again,

Back to the drawing board. 

………………………………………………………………FUTURE………

I want to be loved and accepted for who I am and never be nervous about fitting in or being what society or family members perceive as normal.

I want to fill ceramic orders on my computer while petting my dog Larry.

I make pots and kiss Christine. I make room for her here so she’s happy in her life too.  I cook food and watch good tv and movies.

There’s a handmade pride flag in the front and an independent library too.

Ray sees me happy, he is happy. I am a potter. I live in community and am known. 

I grow with community and my relationship. ,y friends. 

I have lots of good friends. 

Freedom of spirit to create. 

………………………………………………………………………………..