Note. A.A….note. Childhood

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It’s December 2023. In the back of my mind snippets are here to organize or ponder. They float around to process quietly. I Rough draft over this time in my life. It will be art. I know the process now. How my life filters itself into art. I roll with it using my writing as a file. From parts of my body art releases itself.

Kickwheel. Clay. Writing. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There’s a fight brewing between us.It’s A cold fight and I cannot speak because I shouldn’t. I take herbs and stay hydrated. Keep busy. Keep focused, keep happy. Happy is a choice. I listen to Sarah mcglachlan and think about angels. Violet rabbits… totems to ground. Examples. 

It’s this old family. They hate. I always was confused, it’s such a strong word. Maybe I didn’t want it to be true. How I deal is my deal…so I choose to write.

In times like these I think about if anyone really can life a conflict free boring life with nothing but love food shelter and coziness. It’s a fantasy I used to have about Georgia cabins in the forest, potters making jugs illiterate in seclusion growing up, or Christmas movies where mean people turn nice…. And my own mistakes take form in front of my eyes so clearly. Why did I marry my best friend? How could I want a midwestern family so badly as my own family? I was blinded and the warm glow of holidays was such a draw.

My family had the most 

Beautiful Jewish community life but deep underbelly of despair and insanity behind closed doors.. I did the best I could, as therapists have said… it is what it is now and I move on. I process. I heal the parts of my body where other peoples hate junk accumulated.  I have a recipe card box full of childhood memories. Pictures. Ephemera.


The argument is……

Chris speaks with factual certainty. This argument I mentioned…

There’s a difference of opinion he says. There’s a problem because there’s a difference of views.


They hate you and you have a problem with that.

And I won’t get in the way of them hating you. He said that. 

I say yes.

Yes that’s… correct.

Okay I understand….

I say okay I understand. They hate me and there’s nothing I can do about it? Yes.

And there’s nothing you will do about it? Yes.

Okay then. 

I will no longer go to family gatherings then. Well that’s your decision… 

But why would I? …

I say I choose to not be mistreated in front of my son. 

Feet on ground. Eyes present. I said this and felt Grace.

I am who I want to be. Let it go.  I knew I would be/ had the suspicion I was…. Hated. It is such a strong word but there’s no mistaking it after that party.

Okay and yes, it’s clear. I love myself and…

I will be loved for that. From now on. New page. Unpack boxes. Get going. Move on. Today is December fourth 2023. And. There’s soup. There’s a flu shot to get. Girlfriends on the couch. I’m wearing a breeders concert t shirt where Kim deal spat on me I’m the front pit.

Everything is going to be okay. I messed up for 18  years but it’s okay. 

Hate is a strong word. 


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