Taco seasoning. I can’t throw it out! Guilt?

I remember the care taken to teach me how to make a taco night.

A family taco night, this is what she did for her family.

On the phone with Noah today. I love him always have. We were the first people we knew as babies or I remember it that way.

We were 2. 

After I decided chris should not live with me anymore after many years of trying to… family. His mom plastic wrapped her taco seasoning for me in a bowl one night while she was teaching me how to cook. I’m still not a great cook. I remember it being a great seasoning. 

There’s something I’m working on about this.

It’s the….love. It’s the physical, it’s time. It’s the desire to take care deliciously.

It’s family. The idea of it. It’s…. What I love. I love to care and nurture and plants, babies.

I nourished a bad situation with chris and his family.

I cared and showed love openly and they did not. I waited until my heart was a shell of itself. 

There’s guilt.

I notice now how easy it is to nourish and care now. As it was then it was SO hard.

Because now Everything is easy when I’m treated well.

The struggle I felt for so long was because I was being badly.

Yeah! Duh. But, oh. I just registered it as confusion. 

His family left me wandering beyond recognition. I fled to Noah and his mother.

What to do? How to say these awful things? The guilt. 

But there’s no time for that because I have Ray.

To karmically heal deeply and really heal I must heal ray. I must get help and doctors and his school and 

Everyone. I will do everything to get him help. It’s not just my heart.

Over coffee got two years I worked.

Chris is not okay but I must pull through and keep healthy.

And then to feed ourselves deliciously. It’s the little things.

Anyway………….

I’m keeping it.