A. What used to be rebellion is just normal life. Journey to empowerment.

 Rebellion….

Anything I wanted to do or say was denied. 

Or it was useless to try.

Self respect, why even have that?

( that’s really scary I used to feel that way)

I was so happy to see ray loved and glad. Even if I wasn’t involved in his life despite living in the same house ( Chris control felt like that, I had to break through it. Breaking through Chris control meant rebellion, but I loved ray anyway! Of course I would.). I just loved him and talked with him and we loved to do art together. We bit the tomatoes in the garde, one half for me one half for you!

The sweetness we shared. Me and ray. We did yoga…..

Chris and his family would take ray to dodger games, museums, trips, restaurants. Make or buy him fancy meals I couldn’t make. It wasn’t chicken fingers from the toaster with cheese….

I just accepted it and prayed. To want more must be selfish id tell myself. I must give more, do more so they know I’m in the family. I was still not invited…

Self respect, having a voice, wanting a good parenting relationship, wanting a happy family, wanting in general, that is selfish… 

This was the message anyway. It is good to just be quiet. Sit aside. Let everything happen around me. That’s what they loved for me to do. Bored and alone… oh. 

Someday I will know what love and kindness is…but when? This was too scary and overwhelming to think. How will I get the strength? ( woah)

I was treated terribly, Chris started taking over all child responsibility and even house work. Go take a nap. I felt useless and like my legs wouldn’t work.

He does these things because he cares? Or is it control he craves? Or does he completely not care at all? He’s so ambivalent about everything. Nihilistic. 

If I spoke of going out or having fun or what I was dreaming about for a happier life he would fall asleep. Just while sitting up, start snoring. 

WELL ID LOVE TO DO THOSE THINGS, BUT YOU DONT DO ANYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE!!

AND IF YOU……( long list of rules and scenarios that I couldn’t do sexually.) then we can go on family vacation.

YOU HATE BEING IN HOTEL ROOMS WITH ME. Yeah, true. They make me wistful of the life I could have and I’m gay.

So I’d make meals and think his mood would be better. It wasn’t, trips and ideas were still not passed. 

I spent a lot of money on overpriced upcharged maid services. 

I improvised and did everything local that I could.

I made pots instead of taking naps and educated myself on the ceramics career I wanted to create.

The park, the market, the garden, watching movies, taking ray to the train car diner. 48 hr trips to Ojai, Santa Barbara, he’d only go on 24 hr trips, Chris. 

For our anniversary once a year I was allowed a 48 hr trip.

I remember being so grateful for a break from home, from guilt of housework that I’d fall aslleeep blissfully. All I’d do was sleep. We are friends good friends. How grateful I was for my marriage and his family.

Even if that wasn’t true. Because I cared and gave everything I kept caring and giving, 

That is my purpose. Being caring and giving. My mom used to say just be nice and sweet.

Really? So trapped…..after  a while nice and sweet gets boring. 

I would stop and think what am I d ping? This is so hard, why is this so hard? I’m so very tired. Every two months I’m in the hospital for passing out. No one knew or cared to ask.

I wanted to take ray to Lego land. Chris would do that separately.

I wanted to get ray the big cool toy he wanted. Everyone in his family got it first.

Did I exist?

I worked so hard for the smile on rays face, for the pictures, for the moments, for the holidays, my whole soul and being. Why was my view or parenting not accepted?

And then I was invisible. Treated as if I was invisible and very stupid.

Nice and sweet, clean the house, keep cleaning. 

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In 2021 I was in my studio after heart acupuncture.

I’d spent the week crying with my head on my studio table. Wanting love so badly smelling beeswax and listening to love songs and I started sleeping under the table and locking the garage.

I’d come in and out through the garage.

I’d only use the bathroom. I was so so very mad.

I was so so so mad.

Chris took the suitcases after I said I need to go on a trip.

You are going nowhere you don’t need these anymore. If you want these suitcases if you want to leave for two months to go study ceramics in the forest like a selfish person you’re going to need a lawyer because you’ll leave ME WITH ALL THE HOUSEWORK. It’s divorce!

I cried again in the studio with the door closed. I was safe in this house if safe meant dreaming of love and snapping powerlessly with total isolation. 

I was with my boys but it was very lonely to not have my heart cared for.

I asked to live from my studio and to have my last name back. 

I contacted Barbara about what was going on, then my brother. 

I contacted two therapists. I contacted my best friends. I said what was going on.

They all said get the hell out now.

It was time. I said divorce. Move out now.

After 15 years, he just said okay cool whatever. 

On nov 4th I had my first day of freedom. 

I really did it.

It felt rebellious but it wasn’t. 

I bought three sets of tickets to see the pixies and moved to Prescott Arizona for over a month to study ceramics.

That started my journey to now. 

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