I am the hated one it’s me

 I am the hated one

It’s me.

That’s all I can write before the acupuncture herbs, ginseng and coffee.

Water, drink water for my chi.

The pain in my heart. It’s from Chris’s dying father, from his mother, from Barbara.

Chris.

He came over to drop off Booder 

I wanted to take him for snacks and a tea.

My sweet Booder

This is the pain I needed to escape from to save my life and health

This is why I’m in Pasadena.

Before I feel the pain attacks, before anything goes on with my body

(Legs)

I remind myself this. I remind myself that I have a warm coffeee in my hands 

In a cozy room with herbs to help me

With meditation to help me

With water

There is therapy, acupuncture, crappy YouTube videos about people with BPD Bipolar, etc.

To ease my suffering over Barbara.

She raised me, many people did but she was my favorite

She always made me feel safe and protected

She used to wrap me in an afghan from the 70’s and sing me 

Hineh Matov a Jewish song about Israel

When she came to help tuck ray into bed and do a little homework with him I could see

How wonderful and caring she was to me as a girl and to ray

I felt so lucky.

She told me many stories of her life in Georgia as a girl.

How she found a piece of Micah at her playground at age 8

That she keeps it in a special box she can speak into

She speaks her trauma into the box

Traumas she suffered as a young girl

Horrific things, things I wasn’t unfamiliar with 

And somehow she knew

She sat me down and showed me the school pictures where I was wrapped in bandages

With black under my eyes

Elke and her bathed me

Elke and Barbara raised me in the Jewish community with their daughters

Life activities, homework, bathing, eating. Etc.

My mother was in the attic of our garage using drugs

They loved her, we all did.

Prescious Nedra 

I came out as gay to Barbara when I was 15 and 22

She didn’t understand. I was a tomboy.

She said “well that doesn’t matter now, you’re going to be so pretty with a little makeup and a new outfit from Ross.”

I felt like I lived on another planet, that I would never fit in.

I didn’t.

( it’s me I am the hated one) leave me in a pile of dirt 

You need an expensive fancy wedding dress

You need to be a woman of valor you want that trust me.

They were all perfect in my eyes.

What was right and good in the world.