I’m the hated one it’s me again.

-

 I need to stop being surprised.

I was happy today after acupuncture until I got Chris email.

Until I remembered the power of I KNOW.

I DO KNOW.


the shame is on me so I fled.

I flew away. 

I should be “characterizing time”

I was corrected, I was scored. 

Oh, I should…..

Leave me to make pots and be free in Pasadena. I can do that.

And everyone hates me. So I’ll go away. And I did.


I’m a coward for wanting peace.

So be it.


I’m a terrible mother. No worse than mine?

Deadbeat mom. Shameful mom… these labels.

Mom sat on the couch for too long 

Mom wanted to eat quietly 

I did feel like my mother

Because I should have gone to Chris’s bed to eat if I’d known

My mom was always saying can’t I just eat in peace?

I want like my mother though

I want love like my mother


She was much smarter than me

Very wise


Second generation trauma victim

How did she do it?

She placed cocaine in her lipstick tubes and went to the mall.

She told me to go play as well, she went to bed.


I am mean to Ray Chris says I’m so mean that they hate me

And why and how I’m mean

Go to your room to play for a bit bud

Don’t shine the light in my eyes


This is what I said


I felt so bad when I got the email.

I’m a terrible mom. And why and how.



My body is in knots, so much for acupuncture?


Chris treats me so bad that it’s embarrassing.

And I flee. I fly away. Leave me alone to be.

Leave me to sleep all day. To recite mantra, to go to yoga, read the lotus sutra.

Leave to stew in embarrassment.

I’m the hated one, it’s me.

I don’t know how to heal myself


But I do! 

Here I am again praying to angels to get the presence in my eyes back

Hurt so deeply that I can’t move.

Movement, studio, coffee,

Remembering those who love me.

And there’s an herb to take.

From Tibet. There’s incense to light 


Lotus sutra is instant enlightenment 

I still feel the yucky hate.


Now what?

Tomorrow Christine comes home to California

Hold me and don’t let go!


I am tired of being convinced w by I’m a bad person


I don’t want to listen


I pray he Leaves me alone 












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