Life. New.

 

Me being born.

This year I moved to Pasadena to become my authentic self. It’s not been all comfortable roses as it was when I wasn’t in control of everything, in the valley.

I had the cushion of L, then.a world online. Agoraphobia and Chris.

The last time I moved it wasn’t by myself.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed.

Progress is happening, it’s only the first month here and my stamina has boosted like 

Never before. I can’t or don’t want to sleep all day.

I’m not paying mortgage. There’s 

Bills, 

Pool

Gardener 

Cleaners

Accupuncture

Therapy

Internet

A huge one

FOOD

this feels so hard. Food. 

There’s also my love of being myself and staying home.

It’s / can be all consuming running a house.

Quicken budget categorizes everything under shopping.

Even if I do have the money it’s organizing everything that is a challenge more so than I thought during the first month of living on my own in a home. Pasadena again.

Alone. I love being unjudged. Alone. Free from judgement. It caused my hermit life before even with Chris and ray.

And now here.

I am here. Adjusting. 

Month number one. 

I need to get rid of SO much stuff to simplify my life.

To make room for it. 

I am boring. I want to sleep, eat, make pots, pay bills, be with my girlfriend. 

Spending money.

Money.

Life takes money. Sitting around doing nothing, working, doesn’t.

Boring doesn’t cost money.

Chris was boring but I admired the slowness of our life.

Although things I wanted seemed impossible, shrugged off, it was 

Not a capitalistic life things had more value.

We never ate out, never went on trips, never bought nice temperature appropriate clothing, 

Never felt. Nice.

Nice happiness…..

What is happiness? Is happiness relative?

Is beauty in the eye of the beholder that way?

Here this year has taught me about life and money.

Value.

I value

Integrating the past into my present to better define the life I want not under anyone else’s view of what I should do.

And there’s money.

There’s the energy of spending money and taking care of others over myself.

And I float away

Lost in dishes and laundry and bills and work and home. 

Rest. Home. Home is rest. Home is no people.

Take me to the place of no people.

Chris wears the same clothing for 20 years.

Never leaves the house. Only eats beans and simple groceries, values tea.

He didn’t want by principle what I have monetarily.

Me and ray, my brother 2018. A big trip for my birthday. The big trip Chris planned. I loved it so much because I knew he’d cared.

Money is care?

I was very ill that trip. 

I’d had thyroid and recovering from the flu.

I was under sleep deprivation from a young child and sick cat that I’d healed all night.

And L had just stood me up in GA.

This year. Whale watching. New.

From my brother a rainbow moonstone around my neck. For new beginnings.

Alone I can ignore my flaws, with Christine I can know them.

Show them. Unprotected by the walls I’d lived under.

New. New beginnings for sure. 

New.

I saw this is who I am. Take it or leave it.