Pain

-
My heart is burning with pain. I knew I had to leave then, that it was dangerous and toxic to my health.

I moved to Arizona after I left her.
I cried and cried and peed in the forest and cried.

The therapist she was friends with.
You are damaged
You are disabled
You’re not gay you just need a real man
You’re just a little lipstick lesbian

What a novelty that must be to hear that once on tv and say it to someone
Someone breaking up their family and going to parties where
Everyone’s totally fine being straight.

This birthday party

Leave me to hide.
I can see it in others faces. 
Content and love and presence and clothing just right
They do not know or are relieved their life is not mine

I always wanted to be happy like them but I am different

Maybe like her and Chris’s parents
I’m stupid, I’m a bad mother for leaving her kid to live in Pasadena 

Tonight the birthday party.

Traumatic her hatred for me. What once was pure love, or so I thought.
Turned acrid.

I had no one on my side when I decided to…become an independent woman.

Each turn I took was shame, but I could no longer run the race.

I am stupid. I’m a bad mom. I am what they think.

To my bungalow in Pasadena. 
Away.

Shamed to much that I could die. My heart. Pain.


I 







Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Almost two months after NY

-
I wrote this in a long document.  Now it’s all here in one place. Horror unleashed. The hell and grime.   May 2024 I leave her. I leave her for making me feel like shit in New York. I cried with diarrhea in every toilet. I braced myself to stop eating because her abuse won’t stop.then she got in a fist fight and I froze. I kept freezing… “ are you just going to stand there???” Yeah… I’m always doing something to piss her off. So then I hide. She hurts me and she gets mad at me crying and being quiet. Why aren’t you having a good time? She picks on everything about me I cant change, my eyesight, my crooked legs. My professional decisions, my friends, my son, My choice to be financially independent and free. I never thought that was a bad thing… I’m not productive and busy all the time by choice. I love peace and order and freedom to choose my time. And? I am not a loser. I pay all my bills. I write and flow and care and love and she doesn’t care enough to really know me. To re...
Read more

Lavender blues

-
Image
  I’ve been fasting. I’ve been taking herbs. I’ve been singing mantra. I read and write and light beeswax candles over crystals. I cry.  Certain people would never treat me so badly. Yet she did. I could just stare and freeze when she got into a fist fight with a homeless woman in the subway and I screamed for cops… The road rage and the constant unsatisfaction that could never be satisfied it was sad. And I tried to relieve and lull and feed. We loved each other I loved her… she started to really scare me. My HVAC system, freezer, dishwasher, and water heater all die on the same day. I remember to speak up when I’m uncomfortable.  I did about her to everyone. Just as I’m sure she’s tried to make me look ugly and stupid… They asked and I said it. I spoke from my throat chakra from the rooftops. I really told the truth. Everyone’s shocked at what a scary person she is.  That’s not on me, all I could do was stare and be afraid. Covering her belongings in salt that Reyn...
Read more

Love in love out

-
 The love that we receive becomes the love we exude and the more love the more we glow  The glow becomes popularity….the glow our countenance, our energy. I always knew and had to counterbalance this in myself since mom didn’t give it to me. There was an emptiness in my upper stomach. A reticence. A pause. I am ready to let this go. I am ready to face what she did, I’ll answer all the questions. I’ll be brave and flexible like a wave. I am wise.I am knowing. I heal. I understand. I hold. I am held.  There is grace of my heart. There is peace in my studio.  There is love.  Love is real. I have it now. I am not alone. I am not hungry. I am not searching with hands out fearful as I was as a young girl. 20 yrs old and feeling so so cold. I am 38 with the option to grow and love and smile and feel the full beauty of my own warmth and joy. The joy of being a friend, being someone who loves. I love myself. I wear crystals and hug my brother. I speak! When I’m questioni...
Read more