Protection. Free the tense blob in my upper stomach. Free the smile. My smile is genuine.

-

 I protected others from knowing the pain I was suffering. They didn’t know about my mom and I assumed no one would care to know.

This is private this is personal, this is hidden, this is my pain and no one else’s.

There was guilt about sharing it


Sometimes the things my mother did were so outrageous I myself couldn’t understand.

This was confusion…. Why is this happening?


What is happening?

“ I really don’t need this today”

After being insulted or knocked down after trying to stay afloat. Trying to match other kids my age.

I’m okay as I am. Or am I not? Am I what they said I was?


In college. Moms surgery room, the vomit, the screaming, the crying, the walking in pain, her suffering.I was sitting on the hospital floors. Sitting in plastic hospital chairs smelling like disenfectant.

Wondering when Chris and his family would find out how I was being treated “ don’t let your self esteem show”

My smile….. smile through it….

This smile…. Like nothing was going on. No tears, no truth. 

Only show my truth in the bathroom alone, wonder about what’s going on alone.



How could I say? I went to hide because I was ashamed at how she was treating me.

Others would know or she would say you don’t want to be like THAT DO you?

No one wants THAT. No one wants you no one is going to want to live with you because…..

These reasons I didn’t believe but on a daily basis I let it sink in.


You clog the toilet. You look like a mouse.

You don’t wear lipstick. You are hideously ugly. You don’t want to look like that do you?

You smell like you need summers eve wash.

You really need to do something about a b or c…. Blah blah blah.

Everyday. Mike or nom. They would team up.


I need to be safe, anywhere, I need to be alone, 


I latched on to the parts of my mother that I wanted to love me when she loved me.

I am doing great because mom loves me.


I need to love me. But I don’t because she doesn’t. When she didn’t love me she’d leave a hole in my heart like I was a speck of sand so worthless.

I would pray to find ways for her to love me. I can change. I can wear the dress she wants me to. I can 

Go against my own values. 


It was here when I gave up and married my best friend to avoid ever having heartbreak again. It was lazy 

And foolish. It was comfortable but leaded me to sleeping during the day and staying up all night.

I prayed for relief even after she died.

I had another secret she took from me.


No one wants people like you…I hid for so long.


Now I am 38 and strong. On my own two feet. Again. I love myself I am loved .I have clarity now.

To be free.

Love.

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