Blue lotus meditation July 2021 my experience

 July 2021 was when I needed to decide to leave. I didn’t know what to do I was so ill from being mistreated. I took a bath in an air bib I bought for Chris and his family for his birthday.

He spent the whole time yelling at me and leaving with Ray on trips without me.To the beach, to see sharks, to walk to the store to get ice cream and they’d come back and I’d not know what to do.

He’d update the whole trip on Twitter and online to many online friends and I was just there.

His family came to visit and I got so so puffy when they were mean, like my legs and face…

I took a bath and tears flowed. I can’t do anything right… I try so so hard I’m tired of trying. 

I need rest and I can’t run this race any more. I am so sick. 

Ray didn’t want me to tuck him in he’d scream if I walked in the room, he only wanted to play with daddy.

I felt so alone.

I went to sleep and for the first time in my life I really prayed.

My intuition was being shut down by Chris being so mean. I talked to my brother and close friends like Karen about what was going on. They all said it was awful the way I was being treated. I didn’t want to believe it so I lay and cried and hid in the bathroom to bathe. Dove shea butter soap and I’d called an acupuncturist. 

He would get so mad he’d just give up on me doing anything. And Ray would say yeah mom go rest. That’s all Sarah does… Chris would say and he was mad.

I cleaned and cooked but it wasn’t good enough.

I closed the bedroom door and fell asleep. 

In my dream I saw a blue lotus covering the sky.

I woke up and write a note to myself. I must leave. I must be strong. 

I snapped pictures of my legs and my energy was so so low I couldn’t function.

Who was I? I’d just cared for them but what about me? It’s a dangerous thought I remember it.

Being married to Chris makes me ill.