Organization and balance letting people in LOVE

 

We had a series of dinner guests come to visit.

The loveliness of Shabbat. The loveliness of making space for friends and dogs and children. I’m reminded of the glow I love.

After everyone leaves and the dishwasher is running, a mat that a dog peed on is in the laundry. Christine kisses me and everything feels right.

The balls of clay for candle sticks were put on a glass plate before going to bed.

Dog snores, chamomile. Chuppah, community, warmth, forming. 

There’s boxes of my junk or belongings around the home. I’m processing and intentionally cleaning around them…. Start with what you need to live first aunt sue says.

Some dishes some clothing. Bedding nothing to energetically difficult.

I started with the studio as a collector visited and there’s so so so many pots I’ve made that just sit.

Started a live stream twice a week to get views but no one’s seen it (yet) slow growth remember slow growth.

Mary brings licorice cat ice cream and we eat in in mugs and thrift store 1950s  tea cups.

We take a breath out and know.

There’s a look and a sigh. Happily. We could both whisper “ we did it.” 

For our partners to really care for us is a victory we feel inside but must never speak about it’s a knowing. 

We came from a rough reality that way our hearts were once screaming! As we lived under the roof of Arminta just two years ago. Not even that long….

Is love even real? Her boyfriend threw her from a moving vehicle, yelled and screamed and 

Pulled her in over and over again convincing no one despite his efforts that he was a pious rabbi…

Strict rules dictated her every move as if to say “ I’ll love you if and when…” 

My experience was of wanting laziness after many gay breakups. 

To marry my best friend, to move to Illinois. 

I didn’t know it was wrong to be ignored and not spoken to to hide.

Was this peace? No. 

And we both knew we both believed we needed better but how and when? And we did. 

The glory is not magical but we were really raw there. And we look at each other me and Mary both sitting with our loves. And we know, there’s a glow. And a saying of “ yep” 

Intuition did not serve us wrong.

I say this with a guilt or vulnerability in my voice. As if my heart should be kept in. 

Christine mentioned quilting around beacon and Mary this week and we made intense eye contact as friends.

The. Quilt.

The quilt I made after my heartbreak trip to Prescott. The promise of returning with my love. The promise of I would have sex again! The promise of…. Love of my life only or nothin’.

And the prayers we prayed. The hour long OM chanting in Topanga mountains. Now just a glance and a giggle like a seed planted that’s now a tree and it is.

The home… we sit in this home. Welcomed and it is.

I’m speaking like there’s boxes everywhere but there’s not….well….not Really very many. 

I asked Christine to bring me a chest of drawers for Valentine’s Day. I know fancy….

There’s the concept of balance and organization so I can focus on what’s important to me.

I know there’s a space for everyone.

And everything that resonates…. Chuppah.

Something saved since birth, a canopy of loved ones, a plan. 

My mother in dreams this focus is coming clearer her direction everyday even if in my own mind as the care she’d have for me, my grandmother.

Life is not just me. As boring and plain and predictable it would be to just hide in stagnancy free from judgement!! There’s loved ones.

To share with and my greatest gift wich is nourishment and kindness to others always generosity without question, I’m so fucking selfless.

I can spin myself out running running until exhaustion and then stress.

Wait a minute I need myself to eat. I need a bath and clean clothes and a rest.

Balance. Our bed. The work. The boxes that still hold my stuff. The plan.

Prayers still prayed only in the purity of the either white like Buddha silk scarves in the sky…..

White and silver in sunlight. For everyone in the world. Peace.

Nirvana. 

Prayers on my round apple face.

Mala.